Harry and Sally begin the movie as polar opposites that appear to be on different wavelengths in every way imaginable. When Harry Met Sally is a film that takes you on a journey showing you the development of a romantic relationship between the two. There are a multitude of psychological relationship theories that are on display in this movie, however the one that I believe to be the most prevalent, is the Self-Expansion theory.
The Self-Expansion theory is the theory that believes that people are always striving to experience growth. It’s driven by 2 principles, one is that we all have the motivation to self expand, and the other is the belief that we can achieve this through inclusion of the other in the self in close relationships. One of the main motives to self expand is the positive feeling associated with expanding, as well as the experience of passionate love. This experience is associated with an intense desire to expand the self, and the end reward of passionate love is achieving that expansion.
Inclusion of other in the self (IOS) is a cognitive process characterized by taking on your partners’ perspective, identity, and/or resources. In this aspect of the Self-Expansion theory, you look at partners’ outcomes as your own, take on their resources, and even take on some of their traits, and identity into the self at a certain point. You want to become close to and merge with the other person and experience things vicariously through them.
The movie begins with Harry and Sally taking a road trip together to New York soon after they’ve graduated college. These scenes were all about highlighting the differences between the two, and establishing them as two very separate individuals. Harry comes off as arrogant, abrasive, and overly intrusive. While Sally comes off as prudish, demanding, and structured. This scene also highlights the differences in the ideologies of the two.
10 years go by. At this point they’re both fresh off breakups and examining where their life is going from there. Harry seems to have regressed after his divorce with Helen. It’s a stark contrast from the self assured version of him that we see earlier in the movie. He’s experiencing a decrease in self-expansion. A study conducted by Aron & Aron (1995) showed that self-expansion leads to an increase in self-efficacy and self-esteem. It would then make sense to assume that a decrease in self-expansion would lead to a decrease in those outcomes as well. When Harry and Sally bump into each other again, the most significant part of this scene is the timing. Due to the fact that they both just got out of serious relationships, they are both in vulnerable positions and looking for a new person to experience growth with. For the first time in the movie, it appears as though they both see potential in a relationship, and the process of self-expansion begins.
A study conducted by Muise and colleagues (2019) shows that participating in novel, self-expanding activities/experiences with your partner leads to an increase in desire and satisfaction. The novel experience in this movie is the friendship between Harry and Sally. There’s a scene in the movie that shows Harry and his friend, Jess, at a batting cage, talking about Harry’s relationship with Sally. Jess tries to convince Harry that he should try to pursue something more with Sally but Harry says “This is a big thing for me. I’ve never had a relationship with a woman that didn’t involve sex. I feel like I’m growing.” Harry also goes on to say that he likes the new perspective that Sally provides. These quotes accurately depict the nature of self-expansion in his relationship with Sally. Harry feels proud about the progress he’s making as a person as a result of his relationship with Sally. He views this relationship as a tool for his growth and it makes him appreciate Sally and desire to be around her more than when he was just attracted to her physically.
There’s a scene in the movie that shows Harry and Sally talking to each other on the phone while watching a movie. Harry was telling Sally that she’s someone who thinks she’s low maintenance when she’s really high maintenance. Earlier in the movie, Sally would’ve been offended by this notion, but the fact that she was somewhat receptive to this way of thinking is showing that she may be starting to see things from Harry’s perspective instead of just assuming that he’s being ridiculous.
Another example of IOS is the fake orgasm scene at the diner. At the beginning of the movie, Harry was the one that was excessively lewd, and Sally was taken aback by it at the time. During the scene at the diner at the beginning of the movie, she was embarrassed when Harry questioned her about the “good sex” she’d had, but now Sally is capable of putting on a full fake orgasm show and feeling no shame. This is an example of Sally taking on some of the traits displayed by Harry.
The double date scene in the movie where Harry and Sally try to set each other up with their friends Jess and Marie is another example of IOS. Jess and Marie hit it off, but both Harry and Sally try to convince their friend that they should wait and not reject Harry/Sally right now. This is because at this point of their relationship, they are able to view things from the other person’s perspective and don’t want the other to get hurt. Harry running into his ex-wife, and the aftermath of that is another example of Sally taking on Harry’s perspective and being able to show empathy in an effective way. .
Near the end of the movie, Harry and Sally finally have sex and things are awkward. Harry instantly regrets the decision and tries to pull away. The way Harry reacts hurts Sally more than it would if it had happened with some random guy, because Sally really knows Harry. By this point she can see things from his perspective and knows how he was feeling at that moment. The moment that shows this is the language that was used when they were at their friends’ wedding, using words like we/us instead of I/me. This showed that they viewed the other person, and the relationship as a whole as a part of themselves. After that there’s a scene that shows Sally struggling to carry a Christmas tree to her apartment, and a scene that shows Harry walking around alone and sad. While we, as the viewer, could see the direction the story was going, the characters couldn’t. The significance of these scenes is to show the moment when Harry and Sally realize for themselves that they have come to depend on each other. As a part of their self expansion, they’ve taken on the resources of the other as their own. In this case it was illustrating how Harry became dependent on Sally for her emotional support. While he was walking around all depressed, he realized Sally was the only person he wanted to talk to, which is why he ran to her. Sally became dependent on Harry’s reliability, and as she was dragging the tree to her apartment, she thought about how she wished she could call Harry to help (like the time earlier when he helped her with her rug). Which is why after all the times she ignored his calls, she answered it at that moment.
This film used the theory of self-expansion to build the relationship between Harry and Sally. Just like almost all rom-coms, it ends with the two main characters professing their love for each other, but this film did a good job of showing their relationship form from the very beginning. Showing all the steps along the way.
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